Strongholds - The Personal One

Some Background

David:

In the ‘theory’ stuff  we talked about the difficulty of approaching this subject because of all the baggage associated with it. What was your experience of this?

Catherine:

A year and a half ago I would have seen things differently in terms of God working like this – I didn’t understand it and so would have been fearful. As a result I would have dismissed a lot of the things described as being people overreacting. Or put those views down to differences in  personality – some people are ‘into’ that kind of thing – I’m not.  Would have dismissed on some level the work of the holy spirit, and the fact of there being a spiritual battle.

Deep down of course I knew there was a problem – I was used to staying in control (though sweating madly from the energy needed), out of fear.  Would use strength to resist entering the battle, mainly because didn’t want to lose control, and what was happening seemed to be out of control and therefore didn’t see it as good, I saw controlling things as good, and a lot safer, but that meant that I couldn’t be free from anything.

David:

That gives us glimpse, but can you describe what it was like?

Catherine:

Ultimately we discovered that the stronghold was about my choice to speak truth about myself and especially God’s love for me. But this had seeped into other areas so that when I wanted to speak, suddenly I would discover that there were no words there. Or if I had words, they were stopped before they could be spoken.

This would often lead me to panic if I thought I might be in a situation where this might happen. Every time it did happen it reinforced the nightmare and I kept going round in circles, confidence ebbing each time.  It wasn’t  through lack of trying...  I just couldn’t do it myself, nothing improved the situation, it seemed completely hopeless, and that it couldn’t change.

David:

We’ve not talked about it in detail, but as you’ve written in previous blogs, the stronghold became established through the abusive choices of the assault you suffered and the choices you felt you had to make as a result of that. Practically, how has it affected you in daily life?

Catherine:

It took way too long to prepare to talk – even a sentence in response to a question. Social interaction was becoming more and more difficult. If I had to speak publicly at all I would spend hours preparing for even the briefest comment. I would then learn by rote what I was going to say in order to stay in control – to enable detachment. All of this led to frustration – for  others when I seemed incapable of following through on ideas – and then of course for myself....

David:

So, talk us through the general process that led to becoming free in this area?

Catherine:

It’s important to say at the start that everything was based on an understanding that God is good and that He wants you to be free – and that it is possible! To be honest that took time but eventually was able to come with a mustard seed of faith that something could change. That led me to having the confidence to invite others in who could support and stand with me. Then I came to a point where I was able to acknowledge  that there is a problem, even though I did not understand the detail. Finally, as understanding grew, I made a decision to engage in the battle.

The battle itself took a number of rounds to gain full insight and for the truth to be revealed. It wasn’t a quick rushed process – I found that it happened within God’s grace and at His pace .  Alongside it there were other significant issues that got peeled away  – but each round of the battle took a similar form. It took time – it wasn’t  a five minute thing!

David:

I recognise all those elements – I know you’re keen to open the windows on this as with other areas you have addressed – so let’s look together at the detail:

 

To start with, as the three of us spent time together (Janet, David & Catherine) we came to recognise a look, or other non-verbal indicators that there was something going on! At that point we’d either have some divine insight into what it was or often we’d just ask! The answer may not always have been directly related, but we’d start from there and prayerfully work from that. We’d talk about it with you or pray with you based on what we’d learned. As we did this we’d stay alert to words or themes that provoked the more pronounced response. In the early days, this simply triggered a response that had no words but was characterised by waves of overwhelming emotion that had no means of expression. As time went by – as the stronghold was shaken, there were more words available to help point to the heart of the problem. 

Early on there was confusion for Catherine as to what was being stirred by God – and therefore good to allow, and what was the enemy that needed resisting. Because of this the times often looked like a battle! Waves of emotion, physical tensing,  both resulting in pain that doubled over. As the ‘round’ continued it would often culminate in a physical sensation of being choked, of wanting to be sick. Finally a level of release as we prayed leading to a kind of ‘virtual throwing up’. A bit messy and dangerous for furniture! It was physically and emotionally draining, but joyful to see a new measure of freedom being gained each time – and a more detailed understanding of what we were fighting.

From Catherine’s perspective:

Yeah, you do need to be able to trust the people you are working with and to get to the point where you are more determined to see breakthrough than you are with what it looks like! Very well worth it!

In the end, met up with you and Janet and was just chatting about stuff, life, having a giggle about photos, and in the middle of that had another moment of being overwhelmed. Have a feeling we were catching up about the fact that I had been struggling to read out some statements of truth about who I was in Christ, and how God saw me. Realised that every time I looked at you (who kept telling me truth about myself) I had to look away and I couldn’t speak. 

I remember  you praying for my tongue to be freed and I realised that I had been the one stopping my tongue, because I was afraid of what was in control of it and what might happen if I let go. I became determined to stop fighting  and allow whatever was in control of my tongue to become visible. You kept encouraging me to speak the truth – that God loves me. My heart and mind knew it was true and my will wanted to say it, but when I opened my mouth (barely) it turned to spitting and saying stuff to you, that sounded bad!  Then I tried to stop the speaking so that I didn't say such awful stuff, but then realising that wasn't helping.  Remember then almost like a direct confrontation between you and the enemy, and then the problem was gone! I had to learn to actually speak what before I couldn't speak, whispering to begin with, then being able to say God loves me, and being rather exhausted :)

The following day we all went to Barton Hills and not only did I speak the words with my eyes open, but I learned to shout them with a freedom that literally knocked me off my feet!

From all our perspective:

In case people thnk 'oh my goodness I couldn't be involved in that', we're including the following ‘chat’ which we had almost a week later to remind ourselves of what God had done. You'll see that although it was a battle, there was a lot of humour and normality - and above all God's presence!

David : We were in the conservatory at that point, and realised you could only say ‘God loves me’ with your eyes closed. You kept trying to but as soon as you looked at someone who was telling you the truth about God, you just couldn’t do it.

Catherine:  yep , it was hard with my eyes shut, but with my eyes open it was impossible

David : As you struggled you were getting exhausted and pretty much lying on the table - which didn't seem very comfortable, or safe!

Catherine : lol yeah the funny thing is I really wasn't noticing how uncomfortable the position I was in would normally be :)

 David : ... also when the waves of stuff happened the chairs didn't seem entirely safe :)

Catherine : lol, was worried about breaking them at one point  the creaking didn't sound altogether good :)

David : At that point we offered to stop but also said we would see it through. There was a real determination on all parts to get the job done.

Catherine : I figured the battle would be won, there was no point stopping

David : yay :) By then you hardly had energy to move - the effort had also made you breathless.  

Janet & I 'helped' you to the sofa... ie half dragged you :)

Catherine : see really didn't notice that!!  lol  could have stopped breathing and I would not really have realised

David : ... I was concerned you might at some points

Catherine: lol

 David: By this point I had a pretty clear idea what was going on but I didn't want to impose so when we got you vaguely sat up, I asked again if you wanted to continue... you said yes

Catherine :)  love the fact you were so calm, helped me a lot

David : I can do calm :)

David : ...That gave me the permission I needed.   So I spoke firmly for you to look at me and for whatever was behind the control of your tongue to identify itself..  That's when the spitting and words that weren't yours happened

Catherine:)  they came out a little bit before that too

David :  Yep. I remember at one point before that touching your tongue and praying for it to be set free...  I was on familiar territory at this point :) and simply told the enemy that I would be judged by God not it (as ever it was accusing) and commanded it to go - because you had never given it permission to be there and had exercised your will against it...

Catherine :) and it went :)

David: Immediately. Had no choice :)

 Catherine :) was very determined inside after so long being kept not able to talk, I wasn't going to stop till the battle was won :)  it was really annoying me.

 David: A key I think is all the time we have spent making our home, and us collectively, a place of safety, physically, spiritually, emotionally.

 Catherine: yeah I think that is so true :)  would have tried to keep controlling my tongue with massive amounts of energy if didn't feel safe on all those levels because would have felt insane sharing what I shared without feeling safe :)   perfect love casts out all fear - a lot of it also had to do with breaking down fear :)

You Are My Child

I see someone struggling to be free

the chains are too strong for you to cut and flee

But what I know is you will someday see

My strength and power will reveal the beauty

For I am your God, know you by name,

and though you are fragile and broken inside,

I will build from the pieces my beautiful bride

My heart is breaking at what I see,

the pain and the hurt that's weighing down thee

the things that have hidden my signature mark

the butterfly that is hiding scared in the dark

For you are my child I know you by name

and though you are fragile and broken inside

I'm building from the pieces my beautiful bride

Your hammer and chisel, try chipping away,

but the chains that are holding only I can now slay

For tied up you've been by the enemies schemes

but my power can work to break open the chains

For you are my child I know you by name

Before you could talk I knew your frame

and though you are fragile and broken inside

what I see emerging is a beautiful bride