walls

Church walls

I was chatting with Dionne who is teaching me to sing (click here to find out more! ) earlier in the week about how most of us in church have no clue how to help people who are suicidal, or have complex issues that might take years to work through - it is like an alien world, we mean well, but do not understand. And because we don't understand we don't get involved, and we withdraw, leaving people who have these issues feeling isolated and feeling like they have to hide them. In this way we build walls of protection around us in which we feel safe, but which exclude the very people we are called to serve. As somebody who has experienced some of those issues and has felt some of that isolation, I want to say its not as hard as we make it out to be. I am not a job or a project or a client, to be controlled, or be told by someone all that I should do. Nor am I incompetent needing everything done or solved! I am not a burden, I am a good friend. Its just about relationship, about being a friend, about walking with me. If you dare get to know me, dare look beyond the walls I have put up, dare to see the real me as God sees me, and see who he is shaping me to be.

Now about some of those walls:

Personal walls

I have a problem, the walls I have built over years, work in the wrong ways. Anger stays inside, exhausts me, tires me, saps my energy. Love on the other hand is kept out, stopped before it gets in, not allowed to penetrate and be felt. The problem with the anger is I now have years built up, not allowed release, which ironically makes it harder to release it, makes it feel unsafe to do so. It damages my health, both mental and physical. I have grown up learning its not right to be angry, you have to hold stuff in, and to some degree learning that showing anger gets you in more trouble, and needing to be in control of it. Things so wrong have then been piled on and not allowed to be expressed. But I have started to learn now that actually it is OK to be angry, OK to express it (in safe ways - punching a soft sofa etc...), that it is right to feel angry about stuff that is wrong, and express it. Keeping it trapped in really doesn't deal with it, its like radioactive waste, warping my insides, leaving me feeling unsafe, rather than safe, a chaotic mess instead of peaceful, hindering my relationships and my ability to express myself in them. So I am learning (there is years of unlearning to do) to reverse the walls for the anger bit, the walls letting anger out, and stopping stuff sinking deep within, and getting trapped.Love on the other hand is stopped by the wall before it penetrates. Because of the past (some of the other blogs help explain more) my body has assumed that love hurts and is a bad thing and needs keeping out, and works hard at doing that. It stops what is a good thing getting in. It affects my close relationships, leads to me feeling insecure, not peaceful etc. In effect I am in a state of fighting myself to override these walls, and to learn to live out of Gods truth. I don't think it only people with the kind of issues I have who face this battle. We all have different walls and have all bought different lies, we all need one another as we battle. Now I know the nature of some of my walls some of the bricks have been dislodged and there have already been many victories, and ultimately I am on the winning side.So who wants to climb over their walls and join me?

Walls of peace

I was one of those that Catherine describes above. Had / have my own walls of course, but had also built some to keep those I was not confident of at arms length. I was evangelically friendly towards them - those with mental-health issues, those from other faiths for example, but I was scared of them if I'm honest. I thought you had to be a professional, thought I might make things worse... Actually, what I really needed was some walls of peace. The sort Paul describes as keeping our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Walls that defend us from the enemy's lies, walls that keep the love of God at the heart of our identity and security. Suddenly I wasn't as anxious - after all, it wasn't me having to do it - it was Christ in me. Now I have lots of Arabic friends, now I have lots of great friendships with people who have mental-health issues. My life suddenly got a whole lot richer, a whole lot more real.