Did you watch any tacky movies or shows over the holiday period? Lots of guys (and some women) I know secretly like them but hide the moment when tears begin to form - embarrassed that their 'strong' image may be let down as they see Bambi's mother shot, the dalmations escape or the Von Trapp family sing their way to freedom....
Guess to some extent we all have choice as to how open we are with our feelings - for years I blocked mine off (click here for related blog). Thing is, now that I am free to feel again, there is an added complication. Seems like I have a sleeping disorder which means that my legs literally go to sleep when I allow myself to feel strong emotion. The rest of me remains awake, if a little slowed down, but legs disappearing suddenly is not easy to hide.
So what to do? Risk being misunderstood, looking ridiculous, a bit of public humiliation, or suppress feelings?
For example, New Year's Eve party. Tired, a bit fragile, vulnerable. Easy to grit teeth, fight off emotions, retain dignity, but die a bit. Alternative is to turn away from pride and embrace the gift God humbly won back for me. The result - me collapsing on the kitchen floor..... Guess if you had walked in and seen me slumped in my husbands arms you might have assumed I had had too much to drink.
Guess to some extent we all have choice as to how open we are with our feelings - for years I blocked mine off (click here for related blog). Thing is, now that I am free to feel again, there is an added complication. Seems like I have a sleeping disorder which means that my legs literally go to sleep when I allow myself to feel strong emotion. The rest of me remains awake, if a little slowed down, but legs disappearing suddenly is not easy to hide.
So what to do? Risk being misunderstood, looking ridiculous, a bit of public humiliation, or suppress feelings?
For example, New Year's Eve party. Tired, a bit fragile, vulnerable. Easy to grit teeth, fight off emotions, retain dignity, but die a bit. Alternative is to turn away from pride and embrace the gift God humbly won back for me. The result - me collapsing on the kitchen floor..... Guess if you had walked in and seen me slumped in my husbands arms you might have assumed I had had too much to drink.
So thinking about it this week. God wants me to have feelings, so why am I going back to trying to stop them? So what if others misunderstand my falling over or wobbling and assume the worst about me - I am loved by the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. He knows the truth, it's his opinion that matters. I'm reminded that Jesus didn't allow what others thought of him, didn't allow their misunderstanding, their misinterpretation, to stop him doing what he knew brough life. Even though it cost him his own.
Of course I want things to change, want my legs to stop giving out, but in the meantime before that happens, I'm going to accept that feelings are good and part of who I am. So if you see me on the floor, say 'hi' and pray for all those who are misunderstood. And next time Bambi gets shot at, or your child goes to Uni, or a loved one gets hurt, or a friend gets married - don't hide the tears.
Celebrate them with me.
ps. I had a sleep test at the specialist Sleep Unit at Papworth hospital this week to see if the sleeping disorder is narcolepsy / cataplexy. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts, the outcome is that I have seriously fragmented sleep, but they don't think I have narcolepsy which is great as it means that driving is ok (provided I'm not too tired). It's possible that the tablets I am on for depression may also be interfering with my sleep. The consultant didn't know what was causing the collapsing legs, said it seemed like cataplexy but he didn't think it was from sleep study, suggested seeing a neurologist to see if its neurological, or that it might be a consequence of dealing with all the emotional stuff in the last 2 years, will wait and see :) so glad to get detatched from all the wires :) xx
Celebrate them with me.
ps. I had a sleep test at the specialist Sleep Unit at Papworth hospital this week to see if the sleeping disorder is narcolepsy / cataplexy. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts, the outcome is that I have seriously fragmented sleep, but they don't think I have narcolepsy which is great as it means that driving is ok (provided I'm not too tired). It's possible that the tablets I am on for depression may also be interfering with my sleep. The consultant didn't know what was causing the collapsing legs, said it seemed like cataplexy but he didn't think it was from sleep study, suggested seeing a neurologist to see if its neurological, or that it might be a consequence of dealing with all the emotional stuff in the last 2 years, will wait and see :) so glad to get detatched from all the wires :) xx
Wish I could deal with such things in the same way as you do. I have a fear of drawing attention to myself or doing/saying something that others will see as silly. However, I am working on it.
ReplyDeleteAllowing yourself the freedom to experience your real feelings and express them is vital; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I am often quick to tears. True friends help with a hug and tissues. In your case, true friends would help you up from the floor - and hopefully add a hug :) Annette x
ReplyDeletegreat stuff.mmm... 'hold back' tears. I have come to wonder if because I hold back the tears I end up giving a 'fake' or wobbly smile?......
ReplyDeleteI hope the freedom in Christ course we start at Easter will help me to deal with some things. I find it hard to know God wants us to show feelings when I have been through so much pain,people don't want to hear the same story all the time?..Does God?...
I feel that alot, and when people ask how I am I could just say 'fine thanks' I am not telling the truth am I? As I have been given two books in the last two years to deal with negativity from the same person :/ because I can never say I am fine thanks.
we all have different situations and deal with them differently, as with yours and mine a long time.
But I think having the right people to encourage, build up and support definitely gets us on the right path.And hopefully as Annette said they will not mind us sharing the same story showing the tears if they are true friends/relatives.
Take care and God bless
Charlotte x
Alas, I do not have the same strength as you do in such matters! Of course, should I get emotional, or crumble, there is minor concern over what other people think, although anyone who knows me well enough, knows I have always been a bit of a plonka so not really a problem! lol It is so much more than that...
ReplyDeleteIf I crumble and fall, or allow my emotions to surface, who then will watch over my children?( adults or not, they are always yr children) Who will work the ever increasing amount of jobs? Who will pay the bills and keep a roof over our head? Who will negotiate the authorities and the consultants etc? There always seems to be a duty to sorted and no time for emotional exploring, bonding or any other form of emotional release, bar a quick stride across the hills at Barton Springs.
There are many times where I wish to, but sadly I do not have the faith in people, or God if I am honest to just let things be, and not consider all the aforementioned before any attempts, so bottle and keep going! Of course, as you know, there is a price to pay, and often find myself lost, bewildered or dissolusioned by life and its course, hence medication, therapies and lots of tea at friends;-)
Who knows, maybe I will grow up just in time for my 50th, and become whom i was designed to be, but until then I shall admire, and if honest envy yr approach. Should I find you on the floor tho, 9 times out of ten I will get a kettle on, the tenth, I will most likely be there with you anyways!! lmao
Much love Marshaxx
Falling down or no, I have often struggled with being conscious (overly so) of what other people think/ don't think of me and what I do/ don't do/ look like etc.
ReplyDeleteHeard a saying today that I've heard before and would like to remember as I've found it quite helpful...
"What other people think of you is none of your business"
Thanks for sharing - will be praying that the day will come when your legs stop giving out.
Anthea xx
Reading people's comments, I am just wondering what God's comment would be ....
ReplyDeleteat the end of the day, he gave his life to free us from all the binds us (including this whole area of suppressing emotions, of not really stepping into who we are meant to be because we hold back for whatever reason ...)
and I just sense that in God's heart is this indescribable longing ... for you!
I believe God ultimately wants us to be part of who he is!!! (Yes, that sounds absolutely mad, perhaps even blasphemous, but the more I read the Scripture, the more I believe this is true. The truth of it has begun to filter into me being - man, I feel so free! I have changed so much! Not my circumstances, I hasten to add, but me! And I am not giving it back! It is too good!)
And any step we take towards him, towards allowing him more space in our lives, towards submitting to his love and towards letting go of trying to control our own lives (which ultimately I believe leads to things dying in our lives eg emotions) ... any step we take towards HIM, is one step closer to true freedom and release.
Maybe the question is, as Marsha has so honestly pointed out ... how well do we really, if we are really honest, trust God? And if, in honesty we don't, then is it because God is not trustworthy, or is it that we just have not really got to know God well enough. After all, you can't trust someone wholeheartedly if you don't really know whether they are trustworthy or not and are who they say they are ...
Thank you for sharing Catherine. I can identify with you. It's a struggle sometimes, knowing how much to share and with whom. But I too have been trying to be more honest, more open, sharing how I feel, being fed up saying 'I'm fine thank you' when that's not the truth. I've found that most of my friends have been interested, concerned, and some have identified and we've ended up having a great chat, realising that we aren't alone in our struggles, feelings and emotions. Out of one discussion a friend has started an Emotions Anonymous group (similar to an AlAnon group!), something she has had experience of and found really useful. It's an opportunity to share, with no recriminations, no advice, just acceptance and encouragement, and hope shared for a way through. It's good to face our feelings, it's halfway to understanding them and dealing with them, letting go, and finding freedom. Bless you Catherine.
ReplyDelete