In Jesus Name

Maybe I've been watching too many space launches, but here goes - countdown to prayer:

10. What she said was very funny, but this is a prayer meeting, stop smiling.
9.   Lean forward on chair into 'bow down' position
8.   Eyes together, hands closed. Rats. Wrong way round. Eyes closed, hands together.
7.   Period of radio blackout otherwise known as embarassing silence.
6.   Someone is praying, quick, focus, can work out shopping list later.
5.   Falling asleep here, switch into autopilot; throw in some random 'mms', 'amens' and 'that's right'
4.   Oh God, everyone else has prayed, I can't even remember what we're praying for.
3.   Ok, autosequence start, guidance is internal
2.   In Jesus Name
1.   Amen.

Helen Roseveare, famous missionary went to her home church to a prayer meeting where everyone got stage fright in her presence. Eventually, she prayed 'Oh Lord, please deliver me from this awful prayer meeting'. It was a prayer quickly answered.

So what is this thing called prayer? It's a bit like world peace - no one is going to say it's a bad thing, but few people seem to have much clue beyond that - and those that claim to are generally unlike normal humans. You know what it's like, you oscillate between those who are taking authority over demons to the person praying for a parking place.

I especially love those prayers that completely abrogate any sense of responsibility - take your pick:

'Lord, come and take control of this meeting' ('cos I am so unprepared and don't trust this lot to respond)
'Lord, please send labourers into your harvest field' ('cos I for one am not going)
'Lord, bind up the broken hearted, heal the sick' ('cos I'm uncomfortable being around dysfunctional people)
'Lord help my friends with their practical needs' ('cos I'm too busy with my ministry to actually do anything)

But I also love the classic hedge your bets prayer:

'Lord please heal John of this sickness; a) if it is your will, b) by means of the NHS which you have wonderfully provided as a fallback, which frankly is a relief because I'm not sure about options a & c... c) miraculously, because despite rarely if ever seeing it, we know we should believe that you could do it, although we'd probably be in need of medical assistance ourselves if you did, d) miraculously - over the next 5 days - by which time the meds might have kicked in but we can claim it as healing through this get-out clause'

Also in my top ten are the prayers spoken in ancient English, often using screeds of disconnected pseudo-scripture:

'O Lord, thou knowest all things and art my everlasting shepherd and I lackest no good thing since I knocketh and the door openest unto me and verily I walk in dark valleys but thy rod hast smited mine enemies who thou lovest with an everlasting...' Sorry, have to stop you there. Repetition of the word 'everlasting'

Finally, perhaps my all time favourite, the information prayer:

 'Lord, we pray for Bert who is ill at this time, although may be getting better because he has an appointment at the doctors - not his usual one, but the locum, at 11:30. Nevertheless, we do pray that his abdominal pains - possibly due to kidney stones, but we won't be sure until the scan results come back, which they hadn't when I called his wife Joan at 7:47 this morning.....'

But whichever it is, we know that without the magic phrase at the end, none of these prayers can be heard. So, altogether now:

'In Jesus name, amen'.

Well, that should have offended pretty much everyone by now, but if not, let me know your favourites and stay with the blog over the next few days as we explore!