Leaving

Catherine away at Ele's wedding, two of our daughter's married, son about to go to uni - made me think about this whole process of moving on from home in a healthy way.

Love, Paul writes, 'is not possessive', Genesis tells us that we should 'leave our parents and cleave to our partner'. Sounds like the mirror image of the same thing. Parents need to let go, children need to leave (may talk about cleaving in a future blog!).

Whole lot easier said than done! What does letting go involve - does it mean we can't give advice, that we no longer care? What does leaving mean? Setting aside years of relationship, long held values, abandonment?

I'm guessing - hoping, that 'no' is the answer to those questions!

I think as a parent, it's a gradual process. We start out having to do everything for our children; feed them, change them, provide for all their needs. As they grow, we set the boundaries, we don't negotiate - not because we don't respect or love, but because actually, amazingly, we do know best! But as they develop the ability to make choices, so, if we are wise, we begin to include them in some of the decisions. Of course the reality is that this means there will be times when our will is not always done! As time goes on we train our children in the skills that will enable them to live independently from us. Washing, cooking, buying, working, decision making, communicating, loving. And all through their time with us we model and explicitly discuss the values that underpin our lifestyle. Of course, the closer they get to being capable of independence, the more they will want to exercise it. Sometimes that will be painful. Waiting up for them when they are out later than you would like, with people you are not sure of...Often it will be a joy as you learn to interact with someone who will always be your 'child' but who is now also your peer.

Then comes that moment dreaded by so many parents. The day they leave for college, marriage, life outside the nest! Of course there is poignancy in the moment, but it should surely be characterised by joy! Isn't this why you had children? To see them independently walking into the world of adventure that is adult life - not to fulfil our own emotional needs? Now is the time to humbly offer wise advice - when it is requested. Now is the time to refrain from questioning, from judging, from attempting to continue to impose your values, your ways. Now is the time to take joy from every hesitant independent step - just as you did when they learned to walk! Not to be ever present, stopping them from falling, from learning, from living.

And children. You need to leave. Not just physically (sometimes not even physically), but from under authority, seperate from the emotional and spiritual umbilical cord that will otherwise restrict you to your parents. They are still your parents. They still love you, they still want the best for you. You can still talk to them, still have fun with them. But, whisper it, you don't have to fulfill their expectations any more. You are living your own life, not theirs through you. When they say 'I wouldn't do that' you should learn to say graciously 'I know'. When they seek to impose some boundary that 'is for your own good' you need to gently point out that you are an adult now, ready to take the consequences of your actions and growing in confidence of making good choices - or at least not expecting others to pick up the pieces if not! By word and deed, you must leave...


If all that sounds fraught and angst ridden - it doesn't have to be! It can and should be joyful - even in the midst of the inevitable 'ouch' moments! A time to celebrate parents - you did it, you got them to adulthood! A time to celebrate young adults - you survived your parents! Now you can build on that relationship, mutually supportive friends, encouraging and enjoying one another, supporting in the unique ways possible because of the years of proven love and understanding.

Release one another; physically, emotionally, spiritually - from our authority. Let go. It's what God does, it's what love does.