Weakness

Ele's Wedding (Catherine on the right)

I want to be weaker. Weird thing to say I know, most people want to be better, stronger, faster :)

Most of the problems I currently have result from me trying to be strong. I actually use energy fighting God who is trying to work in and through me.  I have learnt to deal with things by putting on a mask of strength, building walls of control to keep on going. Avoiding things if they hurt. Trying hard to hold things in. Controlling breathing, closing my eyes, shutting things out to stop tears from flowing. Problem is these coping strategies also stop God from working, and stop me from being!

God says that his power is made perfect in weakness, in truth, the strong dam walls that I have built need to break, they are better off not being there, for then there is freedom, streams flowing without hindrance.

But how? Knowing the truth doesn't of itself set us free - it's living it that counts. Here's what I'm learning...

Weakness isn't dismissing things as not mattering, pretending things weren't bad, keeping up the mask, minimising things, ignoring things. This is just another form of control, controlling the situation to cope with it, and I have done that stuff superbly well most of my life. I'm slowly relearning it is ok to be 'weak', it is ok to be real, it is ok to open up my heart, it is ok to switch off my head and just be.

It's also not, being a doormat, allowing other people to dictate what we do in our lives, or allowing them and their expectations to define who we are. That can be scary. I've begun the process of rediscovering who I am, what my preferences are, what I enjoy doing, who at heart I really am and who I'm called to be. That can be pretty difficult for those around as they adjust to the new me - but it's also life giving - hard to love others as you love yourself if you don't know the self you are supposed to love...


Ultimately, I reckon true weakness is having no barriers between us and God. Weakness like that is simply us being vulnerable to a wholly good and loving God. It means being honest with him, allowing him into all areas, submitting our will to his ways allowing Him to work in and through us in his power and strength.